DREAMS of a CLOUD
Peruse the many random ramblings of a writer-in-training as I build stories and develop my craft.
10 December 2022
He looked up and met her eyes. “If you lack even the strength to defeat one oni, then what good are you?”
It felt like the floor fell out from underneath Suzune. She wanted to protest, remind him that Hanako was no ordinary oni, of all the things Ito had said earlier. But the words wouldn’t come out. At the end of the day, he was right, wasn’t he? She’d lost.
I felt pretty proud of this scene. This is where the shogun’s true nature as a gaslighter really comes out to the front. One of the revisions I’m considering is cut out the bit with Nakamura and the hearing, and just have him bring it up after the fact in this scene. I’d want to show Nakamura fleeing Chizu village more expicitly during that battle if I do that, though.
As always, they were lavish, from the vibrant colors of the rugs on the floor to the silk-covered pillows for guest to sit on. Suzune moved to prepare tea, and soon the scent filled the room, from the finest tea money could buy.
She used extreme caution as she placed the tea cups and poured from her father. From past experience, she knew the cups were incredibly fragile, at least in her hands, and even more expensive.
“Sit.” Father nodded across the table from where he sat.
Suzune’s blood chilled from the tone in his voice, and the joy she’d had on receiving the promotion to major evaporated. She kneeled on the cushion, placed her hands in her lap, and patiently waited for Father to begin speaking.
He finished his cup and gently set it on the table. “So. You were defeated. By a single oni, no less.”
Suzune’s heart curled in on itself, though she did her best to keep her expression neutral. “Yes Father.”
He looked up and met her eyes. “If you lack even the strength to defeat one oni, then what good are you?”
It felt like the floor fell out from underneath Suzune. She wanted to protest, remind him that Hanako was no ordinary oni, of all the things Ito had said earlier. But the words wouldn’t come out. At the end of the day, he was right, wasn’t he? She’d lost, and hundreds of her fellow soldiers had died for it.
The shogun stood, and began to walk slowly around the table. As he moved behind Suzune, he said, “Not only did this defeat cost us many good officers and soldiers, every loss leads to doubt. And doubt is unacceptable. Did you not hear Nakamura? The very fact you lost caused him to question your loyalty, and the honor of my line. I suspect it’s also related to Major Ito’s sudden leave of absence, don’t you think?”
If she could have, Suzune would have vanished into nothing. “Yes, Father.”
He moved back around in front of her. “I took you in as a child, despite the fact you are an oni. That is all anyone else will ever see. If you want them to accept you, such failures will not be permitted. Do you understand?”
Suzune nodded. She couldn’t bring herself to look up and meet his eyes.
“Fortunately, you have a chance to rectify this.” He sighed and sat down, and out of the corner of her eye Suzune was surprised to see him smile at her. “In spite of your failure in combat, your strategic thinking was excellent. You did achieve the goal in battle to remove a village of foul yokai sympathizers, and rescued many other soldiers, besides. This promotion will give you a chance to further prove your worth.”
Like someone finally seeing a light after weeks of darkness, Suzune clung to the hope the shogun dangled before her. “What would you have me do, Father?”
“Polish your mind. Use that strategic brilliance to gain advantage over the yokai army. And if you ever face that oni in battle again, do whatever it takes to kill her. Especially if she was trained by the traitorous swordmaster.”
She rose and saluted. “The will of the shogun be done, Father!”
He nodded. “That will be all.”
Suzune bowed and turned to leave. Then she thought of what Captain Takamoto had reported on Hanako’s description of the army, and the way Hanako herself had been so desperate to protect the village. That didn’t sound like the oni Father often described, or even the ones Suzune had met and killed in battle. She paused in the doorway, and almost asked Father about it. But something held her back. In the end, she just left.
She was probably mistaken, anyway. She was just an oni, after all; better to leave things like that to Father.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
6 December 2022
“Second, concerning his allegations of treachery.” Captain Ito paused, and turned to stare into the crowd. “You all know me. My hatred for oni is well known, and I would have been eager for any excuse to remove Lt. Suzune from the army. And even so, I will say such a thing is impossible.”
He turned to the shogun. “Even ignoring every effort she has made to honor your name and family, my lord, I witnessed her fight with the oni swordswoman first-hand. The lieutenant ended that battle with a broken arm and over half her ribs cracked. Even so, she led the rescue efforts for the rest of the ambush force, lifting trees and things like that, and then rushed to rendezvous with the general’s army. We would have lost half again as many men were it not for her quick responses.”
I’ve come to appreciate Ito a lot more. He was kind of a throw away character at first; someone who was supposed to be among Suzune’s multitude of haters. Kind of balance Nakamura’s chauvinistic side with more generic straight racism, I guess? Anyway, he took on a life of his own, which means at some point I’ll have to go back and tweak his introduction to fit his true self better. I really look forward to his character arc.
One concern I have with this scene is how well I handle the shogun and his reactions. I want him to set off warning bells in people’s minds about how he handles/interacts with Suzune, but at the same time, this is not a situation where he can write her off like I’d initially planned. I do have a dinner conversation for the next scene that helps establish their relationship better, but if this scene’s the readers’ first introduction to him, I want everything set up correctly… Unless I skip straight to the dinner, tweak it so he’d already taken care of Nakamura? That could work…
Then Captain Ito stood and saluted. “Permission to speak, my lord?”
“Granted.”
“Concerning the plan Lt. Suzune presented. She offered it in a meeting of all the officers under the general, and the general himself approved it. Nakamura himself was present at this meeting, and no one spoke against the plan itself. If the issue is truly a matter of incompetence, then Lt. Nakamura’s words condemn all of us present, and most especially the general.
“What’s more, it could be said we succeeded in the plan, though the cost was far higher than predicted. Chizu has burned to the ground; I verified that with my own eyes. Nakamura himself should have known this, if he was still present on the battlefield until the end.
“Second, concerning his allegations of treachery.” He paused, and turned to stare into the crowd. “You all know me. My hatred for oni is well known, and I would have been eager for any excuse to remove Lt. Suzune from the army. And even so, I will say such a thing is impossible.”
He turned to the shogun. “Even ignoring every effort she has made to honor your name and family, my lord, I witnessed her fight with the oni swordswoman first-hand. The lieutenant ended that battle with a broken arm and over half her ribs cracked. Even so, she led the rescue efforts for the rest of the ambush force, lifting trees and things like that, and then rushed to rendezvous with the general’s army. We would have lost half again as many men were it not for her quick responses.” He pressed his lips together into a thin line. “Curiously, Lt. Nakamura was not with what remained of the army at Chizu. Perhaps he had already fled.”
The shogun turned to Suzune, and Suzune quailed under his disapproving stare. “A single oni did this much damage to you?”
“Y-yes, Father.” Suzune dropped her gaze to the ground.
Next to her, Ito spoke up again. “If I may, my lord. The way this oni swordswoman fought seemed familiar. If I hadn’t known better, I would have believed it was Swordmaster Kojima himself.”
“I see.” The shogun stared at Suzune a moment longer, before he leaned back and turned to Nakamura. “Have you anything more you wish to say in your defense?”
Nakamura, whose expression had grown more and more sour as Ito talked, was taken aback. “My defense, my lord?”
“You have shamed your superior officer, the general, and cast aspersions on my own family, even if she is just an oni. What’s more, there is a great deal of evidence, beyond even what Captain Ito has just presented, of your cowardly flight from Chizu. Have you anything you wish to add?”
Nakamura’s face paled, and he opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish. “Once it was clear he had nothing to say, the shogun rose from his throne and proclaimed, “Then I strip you of all rank, station, and possessions, and exile you from the shogunate. Let all witness and accomplish it.”
Two of the shogun’s guards marched forward and grabbed Nakamura by each shoulder. He began to protest, but all in the room ignored his cries as he was escorted out.
Once the throne room was silent once more, the shogun announced, “In light of their valor in the battle of Chizu, and considering the loss of so many stalwart officers, I promote both Captain Ito and Lieutenant Suzune to the rank of Major. Let all witness and receive it.”
Suzune’s eyes went wide. She had to hold back her tears as she saluted her father and bowed as low as possible.
Ito, however, seemed more reserved as he bowed. “Thank you for this honor, my lord. But may I request a leave of absence? There is much on my mind after this battle I must consider.”
“If there is something troubling you, we would hear it, that we may know how best to assist you.”
Ito shook his head. “It is only a small thing, my lord, concerning a personal matter. It is not worth troubling our great lord over.”
For a long time the shogun didn’t respond. “How long do you plan for this absence?”
“At least a week, my lord. But no longer than two months.”
“Very well. May your mind be refreshed upon your return.” The shogun clapped and siad, “I will retire to my chambers. Suzune, attend me.”
“Yes, Father.”
As the councilors and officers began filtering out of the room, Suzune followed her father to his private quarters.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
5 December 2022
“…I can only conclude that either Lt. Suzune is incompetent, or she was in collusion with the oni to eliminate key officers in your army, and thus secure a promotion.”
Suzune trembled in rage. How could Nakamura tell such blatant lies to her father when she stood right there? All she needed was an excuse, and she’d end him then and there.
Then Father turned and looked at her. And all that anger evaporated into a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Did Father believe him?
The next part of Suzune’s report/confrontation with her father. The whole scene was surprisingly hard to write; maybe it’s just the mood I’ve been in lately? I went back a bit to revise how I introduced Nakamura, and then mostly, it was just struggling to figure out what arguments he, Suzune, and Ito would all use, and in what order.
They entered the room, and Suzune was shocked to see Lieutenant Nakamura kneeling before Father. It was all she could do to keep her face impassive. So Nakamura was a coward. The only way he could be here was if he’d fled from the battle at the village and abandoned the general and Captain Takamoto.
Suzune walked up beside him and kneeled before the shogun. “You requested to see me, Father?”
“Indeed. I have some questions concerning the battle at Chizu village.” He turned to Nakamura. “Recount what you told me one more time, lieutenant.”
“Sir!” Nakamura glanced sidewise and sneered at Suzune before he stood and saluted the shogun. “It pains me to tell you this, my lord, but I suspect treachery from Lieutenant Suzune.”
At that, there was a collective gasp from the councilors and officers in the room, and Suzune’s heart roared. Her fingers twitched, eager to remove Nakamura’s head from his body for even suggesting such an impossibility. She managed to restrain herself; she’d tried hard to prove to the shogunate–and her father in particular–that she was more than some barbaric oni.
Once the hubbub quieted down, Nakamura continued. “The night before the battle, Lt. Suzune herself outlined the plan to eliminate an oni warrior and the village sheltering it. As part of this plan, she would lure the enemy oni away and subdue it, while the general and the bulk of the army fell upon the village and razed it to the ground.”
“Go on.” The shogun’s face was impassive. Even Suzune couldn’t tell what he was thinking. A small nugget of doubt began to worm its way into Suzune’s heart.
“The plan proceeded as normal; Suzune’s group attracted the oni, and I, along with the general and the rest of the army, attacked Chizu. However it was only moments later when the oni fell upon our rear in full battle-frenzy. The general, along with Captain Takamoto and many other officers, fell to the unexpected onslaught. I can only conclude that either Lt. Suzune is incompetent, or she was in collusion with the oni to eliminate key officers in your army, and thus secure a promotion.”
Suzune trembled in rage. How could Nakamura tell such blatant lies to her father when she stood right there? All she needed was an excuse, and she’d end him then and there.
Then Father turned and looked at her. And all that anger evaporated into a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Did Father believe him?
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
3 December 2022
They entered the room and kneeled before the shogun. “You requested to see me, Father?”
The shogun sat upon his wooden throne, painted cherry red with gold inlays. “Indeed, Lieutenant Suzune. I wish to hear in greater detail the events surrounding the village of Chizu.”
“Yes, Father.” She stood and opened her mouth to speak but her father held up a hand. “First, there is one other report on the matter we would hear. Speak, Nakamura.”
For whatever reason, I was in a major funk all day last Saturday. I still managed to accomplish some things… but I only got about 25 minutes of writing in before I was just… done. I kind of regret it, to be honest, but I think days like that happen sometimes.
On the other hand, I did finish up a fair amount of research on gaslighting (based mostly on this video from Cinema Therapy on Mother Gothel in Tangled), and figured out how that applies to the shogun and some of his interactions with Suzune. Even if I haven’t gotten to them yet.
Suzune marched to the shogun’s throne room. Ito walked just behind her, to her right. She didn’t know what to make of him, anymore; after the battle with the oni girl–Hanako–he’d stopped his angry rants, and even walked beside her as an adjutant, despite the fact he outranked her.
They entered the room and kneeled before the shogun. “You requested to see me, Father?”
The shogun sat upon his wooden throne, painted cherry red with gold inlays. “Indeed, Lieutenant Suzune. I wish to hear in greater detail the events surrounding the village of Chizu.”
“Yes, Father.” She stood and opened her mouth to speak but her father held up a hand. “First, there is one other report on the matter we would hear. Speak, Nakamura.”
From out of the crowd, Lieutenant Nakamura stepped forward and sneered at Suzune. It was all she could do to keep her face impassive; if Nakamura was here, then he’d fled like a coward. Most of those who’d survived Hanako’s onslaught had already reunited with Suzune’s forces; the fact Nakamura hadn’t spoke volumes.
Nakamura bowed to the shogun.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
29 October 2022
Once she arrived, over half of it was already aflame. Soon she arrived at a makeshift tent that had been set up, which seemed to serve as a hospital of sorts. Among the handful inside, the boy who’d lifted a sword too big for him lay on a cot, clutching his stomach. His sister sat next to him, clutching his arm as she pleaded, “Satoru! Satoru!”
Round two on the final battle. I like this one a lot more; there’s still a few tweaks I made to it after this on the 31st, but overall, this is the core of what I used.
I’m still iffy on the general offering Hanako a place with the shogun’s army. Just feels off. But he needed to say something. I’ll likely change that at a later date, especially if I wind up doing anything more formal with this story.
Hanako didn’t know how much of what she felt was rage and how much was panic. As she jumped back toward the village, all she could think about was the village elder’s face as he’d screamed, “She’s doomed us all!”
It wasn’t long before she ran into a group of people running into the forest. She recognized the woman who’d defended her against the village elder, who seemed to be the one keeping everyone together. Hanako stopped and asked, “What’s going on?”
The woman replied, “The army attacked. A massive group of them, from the north. Benjiro gathered what people he could to slow down and let us escape, but…” She shook her head. “They’re mostly just old men and boys.”
Hanako’s chest tightened. “I’m on my way. Be careful; there was another force further that way. I took care of most of them, but there could be stragglers.”
The woman nodded. “Thank you.”
Hanako turned to leave, but she caught sight of Chiaki, with vacant eyes and tears flowing down her cheeks. “Chiaki?”
She reached out to her, but the woman from before pulled her back. “Leave her be.”
“What… what happened?”
“Her mother was one of the first to fight back; Chiaki was still there when they killed her. We managed to pull her away before anything worse happened, but…”
Ice ran through Hanako’s veins as memories of the gentle innkeeper passed through her mind. She hadn’t known the woman long, but it was enough to have earned Hanko’s respect. The beast inside Hanako’s chest strained against her control, almost breaking free, and tears pooled in her eyes, though they didn’t fall yet. “Be safe.”
“You too.” The woman waved her off, and Hanako dashed for the village.
Once she arrived, over half of it was already aflame. Soon she arrived at a makeshift tent that had been set up, which seemed to serve as a hospital of sorts. Among the handful inside, the boy who’d lifted a sword too big for him lay on a cot, clutching his stomach. His sister sat next to him, clutching his arm as she pleaded, “Satoru! Satoru!”
Hanako almost stopped, but if she didn’t take care of the army, nothing she did here would matter. So she ignored the ache in her chest and rushed toward the sound of fighting ahead. On the way, she thought she caught sight of the village elder, eyes open, sword in hand, laying in the street.
When she finally arrived at the battlefront, she saw their commander, an old, white-haired general, with the captain she’d fought in town earlier beside him. A few dozen soldiers were scattered around, fighting the last of the villagers who tried to resist.
“That’s her, sir,” the captain said. “The oni swordswoman.”
The general studied Hanako. “So Suzune failed to pin her down.”
The last threads on Hanako’s control began to fray, and she pulled out her sword. The general looked unconcerned. “You, swordswoman. You don’t carry yourself like other oni. Would you consider joining the shogun’s forces?”
Hanako was incredulous. “For what? More of this? Burned villages and murdered townsfolk?”
A few soldiers flinched at that, but the general remained impassive. “We only do the will of the shogun.”
That was the last push. The restraints on Hanako’s wrath snapped, and she roared into the army in a storm of steel and blood. Everything blurred together as tears streamed down her face. She vaguely remembered cutting down the general and the captain; there was also a group of soldiers who moved to surround her only to lose their heads. Another group tried nets; before they could throw them, though, she stomped the ground, and the weakened village buildings collapsed on top of them.
Even after the troops broke ranks and began to flee, Hanako’s wrath drove her on, and she screamed as she cut them down. By the time she came to her senses, she stood alone on a field of corpses.
Hanako sank to her knees, and gazed at the devastated village as it burned. She looked down at her blood soaked hands, and then screamed to the sky.
By the time Suzune had come to and gathered what was left of her forces, everything was over. They’d hobbled to the village, in hopes to rendezvous with the rest of the army. But when they arrived, they could only look in horror. Captain Ito watched the flames flicker against the dying light of evening; he’d been assigned as an archer to Suzune’s force, and was one of the few lucky enough to escape uninjured.
Suzune’s attention, however, wasn’t on the village, but on a lone figure kneeling in the blood and muck a little ways away. One of her other men also noticed and moved to draw his bow, but Suzune pushed it back down.
The men all looked to her. “Unless you managed to kill her with a single shot,” she explained, “which I doubt, you’d engage us in a fight we’re in no condition to win. Besides…” she looked around the devastation around them. “I think there’s been enough death here today.”
She signaled the retreat, but while the rest of her force turned to head back, she continued staring at Hanako. “Say, Captain Ito.” She spoke softly, and Ito paused. “When we die, do you think anyone will weep for us like that?”
Ito turned and looked at the red haired oni girl. “After what I’ve seen here,” he whispered, “I honestly don’t know.”
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
24 October 2022
The archers fired at Hanko, but she dodged them and closed in on the nearest swordsman. She drove her fist into his solar plexus and dropped him, and then kicked one of the fallen trees into the chest of the other one.
Suzune began to laugh, and unable to contain herself any longer, she jumped in. She swung the kanabo down as she landed, but Hanako rolled backward, clearing the log behind her.
This was fun. I’d actually taken graph paper to map out where everyone was and how they moved, and it is such a mess. I’m glad I took notes “round by round” so I could understand what was happening because that map looks illegible now. It does make it clear where all the action is concentrated, though.
The mapping and choreography actually happened on the 22, while I was watching the black belt clinic my brother had organized it, but I got home super late that night and didn’t want to feel rushed to write this scene in its entirety before bed.
Suzune headed the force as they followed the road through the forest. The other officers claimed she was “more likely to survive an ambush”, not that she minded. Up front was where she was most likely to satisfy her battle-lust.
Even she couldn’t hide her surprise, though, when they found a redheaded girl cheerily eating lunch off the side of the road. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, and she wore a simple kamishiro with red accents. To make the image particularly surreal, a cart filled with tied up ahlf-naked men was parked beside her. Suzune recognized some of them from the missing members of Takamoto’s squad.
The girl looked up and beamed at them. “Good afternoon!” Her eyes locked onto Suzune. For a moment, the girl was stunned silent, but then she rushed up. “Are you an oni, too? I hadn’t expected to meet one here! I thought the shogun hated yokai? Oh, is that a kanabo!? I’ve never actually seen one in real life before!”
This was the oni swordswoman? Suzune couldn’t help feeling bitter as she swallowed her disappointment. The girl couldn’t be any older than she was, and stood a full head shorter than her. Suzune moved her kanabo out of the girl’s reach and asked, “So you’re the oni swordmaster we’ve heard about?”
The girl stepped back and scratched the back of her head sheepishly. “Ah, yeah, probably. They kicked me out of the village when they learned what I was.” She held out her hand for a handshake. “I’m Hanako. What’s your name?”
Behind her back, Suzune signaled the archers to get ready to fire, while the rest of her men began circling around to surround Hanako. “Lieutenant Suzune.” She shot an inquisitive look over Hanako at the cart.
“Oh, right. These are all the guys that got left behind earlier. We sold their armor, though; hope you don’t mind.”
“We”, huh? So that bit about getting kicked out was Hanako’s attempt to protect the village. Suzune pretended not to notice and motion to a couple of her men, who retrieved the cart and began pulling it back towards camp.
As soon as it was clear, Suzune signaled the archers to fire. However, as soon as they released, Hanako inhaled and let out a roar so powerful it deflected all but a few of the arrows, which she avoided with ease.
Suzune’s eyes widened, and her lips curled into a feral smile. In the split second before Hanako roared, Suzune swore the redhead’s expression turned to stone, and the pressure she exuded now was nothing like it was before. Afterward, her skin returned to normal, but that pressure hadn’t left.
Still, Hanako wore a half-cocked smile as she said, “You really shouldn’t do this. Against this many opponents, I don’t think I can hold back. People might get killed.”
Suzune snorted. “That’s part of what it means to be a soldier.” She gave a shout, and everyone moved in.
In response, Hanako’s smile dropped. “Alright, then.” She raised one foot. Her skin flashed crimson and her hair turned white as she stomped the ground and unleashed a massive shockwave; every tree within a hundred meters toppled over. Most of Suzune’s forces had been pinned or knocked unconscious, and a few were likely crushed. Suzune herself had to jump back to avoid getting caught, but the part of her that thrived on battle could only rejoice.
Still, she kept enough composure to check that the cart with the returned soldiers was fine, and confirmed that only a handful of archers remained. Near Hanako, a group of spearmen picked themselves back up, and a pair of swordsmen drew their weapons and tried to circle around her.
The archers fired at Hanko, but she dodged them and closed in on the nearest swordsman. She drove her fist into his solar plexus and dropped him, and then kicked one of the fallen trees into the chest of the other one.
Suzune began to laugh, and unable to contain herself any longer, she jumped in. She swung the kanabo down as she landed, but Hanako rolled backward, clearing the log behind her.
A few more arrows streaked in, but Hanako drew her sword to divert them only to resheathe it. Suzune’s rage pulsed over the battlefield; this girl dared fight her without her weapon drawn?
The spearmen, meanwhile, did their best to circle around and pin Hanako down. One got close enough to thrust his spear at Hanako; she grabbed it and used it as leverage to launch a hook kick at Suzune’s head.
Suzune blocked, but she was shocked at the force of the kick; it might have even cracked one of the bones in her forearm. She made a point to pay attention when Hanako pulled the spearman in and delivered a palm strike to his chin. Whereas every other oni Suzune had encountered just let their rage run rampant in battle, this swordswoman channeled it somehow. She unleashed it only at the moment of impact. Through her own haze of battle-lust, Suzune wondered if she’d be able to do the same thing.
Mostly, though, Suzune was simply ecstatic to have such a worthy foe. She swung her club backhanded and to try to knock Hanako’s head from her shoulders, but the swordswoman ducked underneath it and jabbed her in the ribs. One or two probably cracked, but the pain just made Suzune laugh even harder.
The last couple spearmen finally navigated through the fallen trees well enough to lunge at Hanako. However, she stepped to the right, blocked the spear coming form that direction, and grabbed that spearman and hurled him into the other.
Suzune took a half-step back, picked up one of the trees, and threw it at Hanako. Hanako ducked around again, and was about to attack when something above the treeline caught her attention.
Suzune turned to see what was going on. A column of smoke drifted up on the horizon, right about where the village should be. She turned back to face Hanako, but she only had a split second to watch as Hanako’s expression morphed from horror to pure, unbridled rage. Then something heavy impacted Suzune’s chest, and she went flying. By the time her back struck a tree, almost 100 meters away, Hanako had already leapt into the air toward the village. The force of the jump was so strong it cracked the earth and formed a crater.
As the battle-lust faded and her consciousness began to drift in and out, Suzune wondered, “Just what have we unleashed?” Then she sank into darkness.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
14 October 2022
From the side, Lieutenant Nakamura, one of the youngest of the senior officers, snorted. “Another intelligent oni? Isn’t one enough?”
Several of the officers glanced up at the horns on Suzune’s head, but she ignored them. “Even the more bestial youkai have a certain measure of cunning, Lieutenant Nakamura. And losing to one of them would cost you more than just your dignity.”
So here we are; the most up-to-date version of Suzune’s introduction. It has plenty of issues - there’s no reference to Suzune’s blue skin, for one - but I still feel pretty satisfied with it for the current draft.
I think the biggest difference was that I’d taken the time to identify a few other members in the meeting, and their general attitudes. This worked great; I have plans now for both Nakamura and Ito in the future that came about as I planned out the final battle in this arc. I feel like both of them will enrich the story, compared to what it would have been.
Suzune, adoptive daughter to the shogun himself, stood behind and to the right of the general’s chair as his aide-de-camp. After Captain Takamoto had returned with only half his squad and no supplies, the general had ordered and emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl is the one that forced you and your men to retreat?” the general confirmed.
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other we’ve encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her, despite our failure.”
From the side, Lieutenant Nakamura, one of the youngest of the senior officers, snorted. “Another intelligent oni? Isn’t one enough?”
Several of the officers glanced up at the horns on Suzune’s head, but she ignored them. “Even the more bestial youkai have a certain measure of cunning, Lieutenant Nakamura. And losing to one of them would cost you more than just your dignity.”
Nakamura’s face turned scarlet, but he held his tongue. The general turned his focus back to Takamoto. “Is there anything else you can tell us about this oni? What powers did she exhibit?”
Takamoto paused. “She seemed to prefer to disarm and nullify opponents rather than kill them. In addition to her swordplay, she also has great strength and durability.” He drew his sword - what was left of it - and presented it to the general. “She caught and crushed my blade with one hand. In addition, I believe she has some kind of hidden power that allows her to transform.”
As he spoke, Suzune had to focus to keep the smile off her face. This swordswoman promised to be a worthy foe. But if Suzune let her battle lust show, that would only vindicate the men who looked down on her as “the shogun’s pet oni”. Worse, it would dishonor her father.
The general stroked his beard. “Was the village aiding or sheltering this oni swordswoman?”
“Both the village elder and the girl herself denied it. However, I cannot think of any other reason for an oni to defend this village so vehemently.”
The general nodded to himself. “Is there anything else you wish to report?”
The captain hesitated, then said, “I found the oni’s last words intriguing. She pointed out the fear the villagers had of us, more than they even feared her, and accused us of being the true monsters.”
Suzune blinked in surprise. Before she could process her thoughts, though, Captain Ito, the oldest of the officers, glowered at her and declared, “Monsters? Indeed! Like the monster we have let into our ranks!”
“With all due respect,” Captain Takamoto cut in, “they had no way of knowing about Lieutenant Suzune. She referred to the soldiers of our army; ‘rapists and thieves’, she called them.”
An uproar broke out as everyone shouted at once, but everyone stilled as soon as the general stood up. “It is clear to me that these villagers have something to hide,” he declared. “They fear us because they fear what we might discover. To aid an oni, one of our enemies, is an act of treason against the shogunate, and we will answer in kind!”
A roar of approval filled the tent, and whatever flutter of doubt Suzune may have had flittered away.
The general turned to her and asked, “How do you propose we deal with this threat, Lieutenant Suzune?”
Suzune stepped toward the battle map, but before she could speak, Nakamura saluted the general and asked, “General, why trust this… oni girl with tactical decisions? Surely there are more qualified individuals present!” Several of the others, including Ito, nodded along.
The general nodded to her, and Suzune turned to Nakamura. “Perhaps if you proved more adept than I at strategic thinking, Lieutenant Nakamura, he would ask you. Unless you are requesting a rematch of our shogi game? Perhaps your skills have improved since last time.”
Once more, Nakamura could say nothing. Suzune looked at each of the officers, but none would meet her gaze.
She turned back to the map. “If what Captain Takamoto said about the oni swordswoman is true, then she is the most dangerous threat. I propose we send a small force to lure her back into the woods here.” She pointed to a copse of trees located about a mile down the road from the village. “Then our main force can attack the village from this direction. In the event the oni proves even more dangerous than expected, or if the village has other defenses lying in wait, we should still be positioned to bring our full army to bear on the issue.”
She then laid specific plans for how to confront the oni, potential traps that could be lying in wait for them, and general terrain conditions. The war council agreed to her plan, and she was assigned to the force confronting the oni.
And since that meant she could fight this oni swordswoman, well, who was she to complain?
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
12 October 2022
Suzune stood among the other officers along the tent wall. It was dark outside; when Captain Takamoto’s squad had arrived with half their members, without the supplies, the general had ordered an emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl forced your entire squadron to retreat, Captain?”
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other oni we’ve ever encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her.”
When she heard that, Suzune’s blood began to boil, and she barely kept herself from grinning. Here, at last, was a worthy foe. Perhaps, if she performed well here, the other officers would look past her horns and cobalt blue skin, and she’d stop hearing whispers of “the shogun’s pet oni”.
And here is the second of three versions of this scene, where I introduce Suzune. In the last one, I made her too old; she’s supposed to be Hanako’s age, but I made her the general over a major part of the army. This time, it feels like I went to far the other direction; she’s lacking in confidence, and as a result she’s too focused on what everyone around her thinks of her. That didn’t quite fit my image of who I wanted the character to be. It’s also vague and nebulous, with too much “telling” (especially about the way others treat her) and not enough “showing”.
That’s actually why I’m really glad I wrote this; seeing the ways I was dissatisfied helped me get a firmer grasp on Suzune’s character, and I think was key in helping me grow as a writer, too.
Suzune stood among the other officers along the tent wall. It was dark outside; when Captain Takamoto’s squad had arrived with half their members, without the supplies, the general had ordered an emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl forced your entire squadron to retreat, Captain?”
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other oni we’ve ever encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her.”
When she heard that, Suzune’s blood began to boil, and she barely kept herself from grinning. Here, at last, was a worthy foe. Perhaps, if she performed well here, the other officers would look past her horns and cobalt blue skin, and she’d stop hearing whispers of “the shogun’s pet oni”.
The general watched Captain Takamoto for several moments. “And was the town aiding this oni swordswoman?”
“Both the village elder and the girl denied it, but I can think of no other reason she would defend it so earnestly.”
The general nodded to himself and rose. He looked around at each of the officers present and declared, “Sheltering a youkai is treason against the shogunate. All enemies of the shogun will perish! At dawn, move out; we shall bring the full might of this battalion to bear against these traitors.”
Recognizing an opportunity, Suzune stepped forward and knelt down. She placed her fist over her heart in salute. “Permission to speak, sir!”
Several of the other officers began to snicker amongst themselves, but the general waved a hand to silence them. “You may speak, Lieutenant Suzune.”
Suzune rose. “Sir, based on Captain Takamoto’s report, I propose we split our forces. This oni swordswoman seems to be the most serious threat; one force could draw her out and neutralize her, while the other attacks the town.”
The general stroked his beard. “Do you believe this swordswoman to be that significant a threat?”
Though Suzune would never admit it, she sincerely hoped so. “I do not know, but I trust in Captain Takamoto’s integrity and the skill of his squad. And I believe it is often better to exercise caution in front of an unfamiliar and dangerous opponent.”
The general nodded. “Please continue.”
Suzune bowed, hiding the smile that crept over her face. Then she spent the next thirty minutes using the battle map to explain the finer details of her plan.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
11 October 2022
General Suzune, head of the Dragon’s Battalion and the adoptive daughter of the shogun, looked down at Captain Takamoto, who bowed before her. “And a single oni forced your entire squadron to retreat?”
“Yes, General. But she fights like no other oni we’ve encountered; rather than an enraged beast, she was a master swordswoman. Please do not underestimate her, despite our weakness.”
“I see.” She resisted the urge to smile; perhaps here, finally, she’d find a worthy foe.
We finally meet the other half of the “blue oni, red oni” duo. That said, Suzune at this point hadn’t quite finished baking if you will. I knew she existed, but not details. In particular, here, I forgot how old she was supposed to be, and focused on how much epic potential she had. That… would have caused a lot of problems. I also play with how redeemable the captain was going to be; unfortunately, perhaps as a side effect of making Suzune more sympathetic, he winds up a lot less sympathetic in the final version.
As a result, I actually rewrote this scene two other times, on the 12th and 14th. Just trying things out, figuring out what fit, and using this scene to try to learn who Suzune really was. I’m fairly satisfied with the result, though.
General Suzune, head of the Dragon’s Battalion and the adoptive daughter of the shogun, looked down at Captain Takamoto, who bowed before her. “And a single oni forced your entire squadron to retreat?”
“Yes, General. But she fights like no other oni we’ve encountered; rather than an enraged beast, she was a master swordswoman. Please do not underestimate her, despite our weakness.”
“I see.” She resisted the urge to smile; perhaps here, finally, she’d find a worthy foe. She stood, and all eyes turned toward her. Her cobalt blue skin naturally drew attention, and her six foot frame only increased the impact of her presence, along with the black horns on either side of her forehead.
“And the town was allied with this oni swordswoman?” she confirmed.
“Both the village elder and the girl herself denied it, but I can think of no other reason for her to exert so much effort in its defense,” the captain replied.
Suzune nodded and looked to the other officers in the room. Many dropped their eyes, but a few worthy of respect met her gaze. She declared, “To ally with the enemy is to declare one’s self to be an enemy of the shogun. Is that agreed?”
Not a one of the officers dared do anything but nod. Suzune continued, “And therefore, as an enemy, it is our duty to make an example of them.” She pointed to the map. “The greatest threat is this oni swordswoman. So to draw her out, we will send our main force directly here, through the forest.” She gestured to Takamoto. “Meanwhile, you and your squadron, along with fifty other men of my choosing, will come in from here and attack the village. I hope you take this chance to redeem yourselves.”
The officers saluted, thumping their chest with their fists, and slowly filed out. Once they had, though, Captain Takamoto remained.
Suzune raised an eyebrow. “Was there something else, Captain?”
He hesitated, then said, “I suppose I just wondered what makes us different from the youkai.”
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)